HOW I GOT 100 IN BIOLOGY ( part 2)

So friends , you are back. It seems that my blatant comments on my sexual ignorance has found quite a few takers has it not? Lets continue.

So as I told you in my earlier post , Bollywood had messed up all my concepts. But there was more thing about which I had a wrong idea ( frankly speaking I am ashamed of it now)….condom.

It was around class 6 that I started to hear the words AIDS and condom a lot. “ use condom and prevent AIDS” all great personalities said on the T.V( even Shabana Aazmi). Arrey boss. First tell us what the hell is a condom . Nobody bothers about that , do they? Till class 11 I thought condom was a tablet. Can you believe it? Shame on me and shame on all those T.V people.

But how was I to think otherwise? These condom ads, they just show a man and a woman kissing each other, then the camera moves towards a pink silk cloth on which two semi black packets are kept . alongside is a candle. And then it says “ KAMASUTRA CONDOMS….. for the wild beast in you” . And then there is Sachin Tendulkar . He came up every now and then to say ,” SAIYAM RAKHO, BANO WAFAADAAR ,KARO CONDOM KA ISTEMAAL….” . My highly scientific and analytical brain concluded that since Sachin was asking kids to take the Polio drops, he also wanted married couples to take condom tablets to prevent AIDS. That made me believe that condom was a tablet that somehow prevented AIDS by blocking your nose or otherwise. The final confirmation had come when I was on a mini bus to Science city and on the way I saw a huge billboard…totally black with the following words on it ,

DELUXE CONDOMS…..now in strawberry flavor . Underneath was the picture of a beautiful woman showing her bare back . Along side her was written ,” I am in the mood for something special tonight.”

From all this baloney , I made two landmark conclusions.

First , condom was a tablet which prevented AIDS.

Second , it came in different flavors , which flavor to eat was decided by the woman’s mood.

I must tell you that I was pretty confident about these concepts for a really long time. The real jolt came in class 10 when Mishra sir taught the reproductive system. Though the book was utterly useless with sketchy details ( as if the author himself was a censor board panelist) it made two things very clear to me.

First , producing babies involved a touch more finnese than rubbing your noses. Rubbing noses only transmitted influenza microbes.

Second , bellybutton and belly lock were wrong concepts.

It was in class 12 that I understood that a sperm and an ovum fused to form a zygote which later swelled up to become a baby. I think my concepts improved about 75 percent( the rest 25 % were those intricate portions which I don’t think our C.B.S.E books had the courage to clarify on). And yes I understood that condom was not a tablet. I think the last concept was the single biggest achievement of my Biology learning.

To come back to the point there were a lot of thongs in “ THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM” that I did not understand…. still . So I looked at the last 10 years question paper. I noted that two questions SPERMAGENESIS , and OOGENESIS were set alternatively each year. Last year was spermagenesis , so I mugged up oogenesis. I also mugged up 10 different ways of population control because that question had been set in my selection exams.

When I got my paper ,I quickly turned the page to look at question number 11. Bingo ! Oogenesis and ten ways of birth control. I thanked God , cursed Bollywood and started writing.

To tell you the truth I had expected to get 97 in Biology. But when Sangeeta told me that I had got 92.8 overall and 100 in Biology I just could not stop wondering how. A few months ago I received a scrap from a junior student .” Are you Pranay Tiwari , who got 100 in Biology? “ I replied him “No I am Pranay Tiwari, who got 94 in physics.” I was born to be a physicist , you know .

And now , coming to the present times. I believe that my concepts have improved by 99 % thanks to my Presidency and Engineering friends for all the information which they poured into me even when I had not asked for it. Though my friends still tease me saying I have a lot to learn. To tell you the truth , from where I started …… I have learned a hell lot. Atleast now I know that when a dog is onto a bitch in the middle of the road they are as I would have said a long time back “ rubbing their noses”. These days I only say “ YEH TO BADA TOING HAI.”

The end……………………..

I thank all the readers for their comments on the last post. If you want to share anything on this blog please feel free to send it to me on pranaystb@gmail.com. On Saturday I will post a article given to me by my friend Ranjan Laha which is “ FOUR GOLDEN LESSONS” BY STEVEN WEINBERG. Believe me , it’s a must read.

P.S Sangeeta and Arnab are showing unnecessary concern over “ certain” abilities of mine. To them I can only say when the time comes you will see