How I got 100 in BIOLOGY? ( part 1)

To tell you the truth , my preparations for my Biology exam ( in C.B.S.E, class 12) were pretty decent. But I knew that one chapter would pose the ultimate trouble ….. THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM , as it had done in class 10. Why I dreaded this chapter has a bit of history attached to it like all other things in my life.

Bollywood. It was all due to bollywood , I tell you , my poor concepts on reproduction . They just don’t show the intricacies , do they? And when some brave film maker dares to bare , these dumbasses in the censor board cut all the educational scenes.( Oh how I wish to be on that god damn censor board). So after all the Hindi films that I saw my scientific mind observed that there were two possible methods ( only two mind you!) by which a baby emerged from a woman’s tummy.

First ,the man and his wife marry. On the night of their marriage she brings milk. He drinks it. She smiles. They rub their noses together and wallah! Its done. The next scene, the woman vomits ,asks for tamarind , her belly swells and a child pops up.

Second, a boy and a girlfriend meet in the park then they go behind a bush or a tree. The bush or the tree shakes. The girl starts puking in the morning and her father says” KALMUHI….. TUNE HUMAARE KHAANDAAN KI NAAK KATWA DI .” The girl goes for an abortion.( only in Kya Kehna , Priety Zinta had the guts to give birth to a child ).

Based on these observations my scientific and highly analytical brain made the following conclusions.

First , rubbing of nose or shaking of the trees is the most important part of a child’s birth. If you don’t do either of the two things you cannot produce a baby.

Second a woman should never tell her husband that she is to give birth to a baby , she has to convey it by mannerisms and not speech. So either she can vomit or she can ask for tamarind , or she can put a picture of a baby on the wall and point out to that picture when her husband returns from office. I also noted that the men behaved in two different ways listening to this news . If the marriage was legal the husband would be pretty happy and hug her wife. If , however, the boy and girl were unmarried, the boy would sweat like a pig I loved it whenever I used to see the boy in such trouble….serves you right for rubbing your nose without marrying I thought.

Third , the only possible way out for a baby was a woman’s belly button. The doctor had the keys of the belly button. After nine months when the baby knocked the hell out of her mother, she would be taken to a hospital , the doctor would open the belly lock with the keys ( how he got the keys was a mystery to me) and pull the baby out and then lock the woman’s belly once again.

Nobody in India likes to discuss these things , if you dared to do it , you were thought to be a pervert. Hence I did not . To tell you the truth till class 10 I was pretty sure that these conclusions were right just as Newton’s laws of gravity.

So I was telling you about my Biology exams. Lets continue.

( the next chapter would be posted tomorrow or day after. Thanks for reading)